What to do if you have bears in your yard.

Situation: You need to go to work, but there are bears in your yard.

Option 1: Shoot them.

Option 2: Call Wildlife Control.

Option 3: Ask them to leave.
Extra Credit: Thank them and wish them a good day.

On knights, rubber ducks, and planning ahead.

An observation by British comedian, actor, writer and television presenter Michael Palin:

"You can't get a suit of armour and a rubber chicken just like that. You have to plan ahead." - Michael Palin

It’s true. I tried. It’s not like running down to the convenience store to buy a soda and a candy bar.

Need a paddle?

If you’re up Shit Creek without a paddle,
I hope you’re near one of these:

Shit Creek Paddle Store

Shit Creek Paddle Stores

Who knew?

Mystery at an Alabama truck stop.

I was sitting in a McDonald’s at a truck stop in Alabama, when this pickup truck pulled in. The driver parked it outside my window and got out.

The Smoking Truck

He shut the door, lit a cigarette, stuck the butt end of the burning cigarette into the driver’s side door lock, and walked off.

The Smoking Truck


Inquiring minds want to know.

The importance of editing for clarity.

From an “About the Writer of this Blog” page:

Editing for clarity

Click to view a larger, more legible image.

“This blog was begun in October of 2008 at Blogspot and much of it remains at xxxxxxxxxxxx.blogspot.com. However, in early 2017 all posts (nearly1,400 [sic] of them) were erased, making this WordPress move necessary.”

— The Writer of this Blog

Here's Your Brain

Because not editing for clarity may result in contradictory sentences and a confusing sequence of words.

Just in case you missed it, “much of [the blog] remains,” yet “all posts were erased.”

“And what would be left?” we ask ourselves.

Want to have some fun in the grocery store checkout line?

Mischief in the Grocery StoryFeeling a little mischievous?

The next time you’re at the grocery store and have both food and toilet paper in your cart, ask the checkout clerk…

“Is this the right amount of toilet paper for this amount of food?”

Cats Eating
You can also use this when you’re buying cat food and kitty litter, with the appropriate change in language, of course.

If you’re lucky, you’ll have a grocery store clerk with a sense of humor.

An incomprehensible physical “talent.”

Pondering a deep philosophical question.Said after a coughing fit during a phone conversation:

“It’s kind of odd how you can strangle yourself on your own spit.

“You shouldn’t be able to do that.”

— Buffy Lyon

How a passive-aggressive person returns your key. Or not.

Hint: By dropping it into a cheap envelope – no padding, no cardboard. The key may or may not be in the envelope.

Result: Torn envelope delivered with an apology from the USPS. No key.

How a passive-aggressive person returns your key.

Absurd phone-computer spam alert.

I'm a PC
Spam guy: “You have a PC.”
I'm a Mac
Me: “I have a Mac.”
You're an idiot.
Me: “You’re an idiot.”

Phone rings.

Me: “Hello?”
Spam guy: “Hello. I’m ‘Mark,’ and I’m calling from the Windows Technical Service office. We’ve detected a virus on your PC that is causing it to send multiple email addresses from your IP address. Are you at your computer?”

Me: “Yes.”
Spam guy: “Please click on the “Start” button.”

Me: I can’t.
Spam guy: “It’s in the lower left corner of your screen.”

Me: No, it’s not.
Spam guy: It’s very important that we diagnose this problem. What do you see on your screen?”

Me: “The Mac toolbar.”
Spam guy: “Excuse me?”

Me: “I don’t have a PC. I have a Mac.”
Spam guy: “You don’t have any PCs?”

Me: “Nope.”
Spam guy: “Let me transfer you to the Mac department.”


I have to get it to whoever thought this up. It combines the sleaziest aspects of both phone and computer spam “threats” to try to get you to give out confidential information that will give someone access to your computer.

On asses, handbags, and head colds.

Okay, I admit it; I watch the the TV series Bates Motel on Netflix. How else will I find out why the Psycho Norman Bates stuffed his mother and killed “loose women”?

It’s not award-winning television, but I heard a combination of words in season three, episode four that just slayed me.

“Why should I take advice from two people who wouldn’t know their ass from a handbag if they had a head cold.”

the difference between an ass and a handbagINSTRUCTIONAL AID

Aside from the grammatical inconsistencies, would you take advice from two people who would know their asses from a handbag if they had head colds?

Would you take advice from two people who would know their asses from a handbag is they didn’t have head colds?

Why are head colds even relevant?

Perhaps people who give advice should be required to know the difference between their asses and a handbag whether they have head colds or not.