An incomprehensible physical “talent.”

Pondering a deep philosophical question.Said after a coughing fit during a phone conversation:

“It’s kind of odd how you can strangle yourself on your own spit.

“You shouldn’t be able to do that.”

— Buffy Lyon

How a passive-aggressive person returns your key. Or not.

Hint: By dropping it into a cheap envelope – no padding, no cardboard. The key may or may not be in the envelope.

Result: Torn envelope delivered with an apology from the USPS. No key.

How a passive-aggressive person returns your key.

Absurd phone-computer spam alert.

I'm a PC
Spam guy: “You have a PC.”
I'm a Mac
Me: “I have a Mac.”
You're an idiot.
Me: “You’re an idiot.”

Phone rings.

Me: “Hello?”
Spam guy: “Hello. I’m ‘Mark,’ and I’m calling from the Windows Technical Service office. We’ve detected a virus on your PC that is causing it to send multiple email addresses from your IP address. Are you at your computer?”

Me: “Yes.”
Spam guy: “Please click on the “Start” button.”

Me: I can’t.
Spam guy: “It’s in the lower left corner of your screen.”

Me: No, it’s not.
Spam guy: It’s very important that we diagnose this problem. What do you see on your screen?”

Me: “The Mac toolbar.”
Spam guy: “Excuse me?”

Me: “I don’t have a PC. I have a Mac.”
Spam guy: “You don’t have any PCs?”

Me: “Nope.”
Spam guy: “Let me transfer you to the Mac department.”


I have to get it to whoever thought this up. It combines the sleaziest aspects of both phone and computer spam “threats” to try to get you to give out confidential information that will give someone access to your computer.

On asses, handbags, and head colds.

Okay, I admit it; I watch the the TV series Bates Motel on Netflix. How else will I find out why the Psycho Norman Bates stuffed his mother and killed “loose women”?

It’s not award-winning television, but I heard a combination of words in season three, episode four that just slayed me.

“Why should I take advice from two people who wouldn’t know their ass from a handbag if they had a head cold.”

the difference between an ass and a handbagINSTRUCTIONAL AID

Aside from the grammatical inconsistencies, would you take advice from two people who would know their asses from a handbag if they had head colds?

Would you take advice from two people who would know their asses from a handbag is they didn’t have head colds?

Why are head colds even relevant?

Perhaps people who give advice should be required to know the difference between their asses and a handbag whether they have head colds or not.

So I walk into a restaurant with a friend.

The Walking Dead in MoonlightThe server asks:

“Just the two of you?”

Why? Are we supposed to have escorts? Do we look like more than two people?

Or there’s always,

“No. A group of the undead will be joining us shortly.”

“Did I wake you up?”

when the phone wakes you upThe phone rings. You blindly reach around until you find it, pick it up, and mumble, “Hello?”

“Oh, did I wake you up?” says the cheerful voice on the other end of the line. “I can call back later.”

“No, I’m fine,” you reply, while thinking:

“Yeah. Why don’t you call me back later so
you can wake me up again?”

When a bank reads minds.

exclamation markTo my companion, while trying to get to a bank on the other side of the street across a construction area:

“I wonder if we can get there from here?”

As soon as the words came out of my mouth, I had my answer. The bank had put up a sign on the corner of its lot that read:

“Yes, you can get here from there!”

Now that’s service!

You can’t polish a turd. Or can you?

The first time I heard the phrase, “You can’t polish a turd,” was in the movie Christine.

The turd in question was the star of the movie – a 1958 Plymouth Fury – that, at that point in the movie, looked suspiciously like one.

It’s one of those useful and evocative idioms that can actually be used in conversation. Well, some conversations.

I discovered the following video, and darned if it isn’t a couple of guys demonstrating how to polish poop.

My mind is reeling.

I’ve decided to go into denial, forget I saw the video, and blissfully continue saying, “You can’t polish a turd.”

I will try not to believe that any two people would have so little to do that they would try to prove that you can.

Creating absurdity from geology: Sarah Palin and the earthquake in Alaska.

“A 7.1-magnitude earthquake struck Alaska early Sunday morning, according to the U.S. Geological Survey,” reported CNN on Saturday.

To which I add:

earth spits out Sarah Palin
“Reports indicate that Sarah Palin momentarily disappeared into a deep chasm in the earth’s surface, but was promptly spit out again.” *

* Note: I don’t normally lapse into political commentary, but on my planet “Sarah Palin” and “absurd” are practically synonyms. You’re free to think differently on your planet.

A tip for getting rid of that annoying salesperson.

the sales cycleI really resent it when salespeople ask me leading questions. I looked for a long time for a quick, but polite, way to disarm them.

I found it when I heard this tip from a sales workshop:

“If you can get a prospective customer to answer, ‘Yes,’ to any question you ask, you’re more likely to make the sale.

Annoying Salesperson: “Don’t you want to save money on your wireless service?”

Me: “No.”

confused salespersonAnnoying Salesperson: “Don’t you want to pay less for your wireless service every month?”

(Obviously I didn’t understand the question the first time.)

Me: (In my most pleasant voice)
“No. I love my wireless provider. I consider the money I pay them every month to be a gift. I’d pay more if I could.

“Thank you, and have a nice day.”

Mission accomplished.