An appropriate response to surreptitious surveillance.

Have you ever checked out at the grocery store and noticed that the clerk seemed to be paying undo attention to – or made too many comments about – your purchases?

Of course, you can be polite and pretend you don’t notice. Or you can ask the over-attentive clerk:

Toilet Paper
“Is this the right amount of toilet paper for this amount of food?”

How to respond when your restaurant server asks you something absurd.

Restaurant Server

Sometimes when a server delivers the food to your table, he asks a question that makes you wonder if you’re supposed to eat the food after that.

I can deal well with, “Is there anything else I can get you?” or even “Does everything look okay?”

The one that finally got to me was:

“Did everything come out okay?”

I turned around to look over my shoulder, turned back, looked the server in the eye, and replied:

“I don’t know; it hasn’t come out yet.”

An idiom both eloquent and evocative.

You don’t have to wait long for someone to say, “Ew, gross!” when something is, well, gross.

That phrase is pedestrian in the extreme. You get the message, but there isn’t anything original or evocative about it.

The next time you see something, gross, try saying,

“That’s gross enough to puke a buzzard off a gut wagon.”

It’s both eloquent and evocative, and your friends will appreciate your eloquence, if not the mental image you just evoked in their brains.

The best description of a useless thing ever.

No Shit

“________ ain’t worth shit in a handbag.”

If you can think of anything more worthless, with as evocative a mental picture as that idiom, please share using the Submit Your Own form!

“She looks so natural.”

“Yes, she always did favor that horizontal mortuary look.”

In what situation could you say…

Kitten and Biscuits
“If a cat had kittens in the oven, you wouldn’t call’em biscuits, would ya?”

A ponderation for the aging.

Package of Medicine
Why do the manufacturers of arthritis medication packge it in hard‑to‑open containers?

— Anonymous

Don’t ask a question you don’t want to know the answer to.

STOPYou’ll get one of two possible responses:

Either the answer you get will be a lie, or it will be the truth you don’t want to hear.

You’re going to get hurt either way. Don’t go there.

“Gee, your cat is fat.”

Ugly Kids
“Gee, your kids are ugly.”

Don’t tell someone something they already know.

Bathroom Scale
Have some respect.

Do you really think the 400 pound person you’re talking to doesn’t already know they need to lose weight?