So I walk into a restaurant with a friend.

The Walking Dead in MoonlightThe server asks:

“Just the two of you?”

Why? Are we supposed to have escorts? Do we look like more than two people?

Or there’s always,

“No. A group of the undead will be joining us shortly.”

“Did I wake you up?”

when the phone wakes you upThe phone rings. You blindly reach around until you find it, pick it up, and mumble, “Hello?”

“Oh, did I wake you up?” says the cheerful voice on the other end of the line. “I can call back later.”

“No, I’m fine,” you reply, while thinking:

“Yeah. Why don’t you call me back later so
you can wake me up again?”

When a bank reads minds.

exclamation markTo my companion, while trying to get to a bank on the other side of the street across a construction area:

“I wonder if we can get there from here?”

As soon as the words came out of my mouth, I had my answer. The bank had put up a sign on the corner of its lot that read:

“Yes, you can get here from there!”

 
Now that’s service!

You can’t polish a turd. Or can you?

The first time I heard the phrase, “You can’t polish a turd,” was in the movie Christine.

The turd in question was the star of the movie – a 1958 Plymouth Fury – that, at that point in the movie, looked suspiciously like one.

It’s one of those useful and evocative idioms that can actually be used in conversation. Well, some conversations.

I discovered the following video, and darned if it isn’t a couple of guys demonstrating how to polish poop.

My mind is reeling.

I’ve decided to go into denial, forget I saw the video, and blissfully continue saying, “You can’t polish a turd.”

I will try not to believe that any two people would have so little to do that they would try to prove that you can.

Creating absurdity from geology: Sarah Palin and the earthquake in Alaska.

“A 7.1-magnitude earthquake struck Alaska early Sunday morning, according to the U.S. Geological Survey,” reported CNN on Saturday.

To which I add:

earth spits out Sarah Palin
“Reports indicate that Sarah Palin momentarily disappeared into a deep chasm in the earth’s surface, but was promptly spit out again.” *

* Note: I don’t normally lapse into political commentary, but on my planet “Sarah Palin” and “absurd” are practically synonyms. You’re free to think differently on your planet.

A tip for getting rid of that annoying salesperson.

the sales cycleI really resent it when salespeople ask me leading questions. I looked for a long time for a quick, but polite, way to disarm them.

I found it when I heard this tip from a sales workshop:

“If you can get a prospective customer to answer, ‘Yes,’ to any question you ask, you’re more likely to make the sale.

Annoying Salesperson: “Don’t you want to save money on your wireless service?”

Me: “No.”

confused salespersonAnnoying Salesperson: “Don’t you want to pay less for your wireless service every month?”

(Obviously I didn’t understand the question the first time.)

Me: (In my most pleasant voice)
“No. I love my wireless provider. I consider the money I pay them every month to be a gift. I’d pay more if I could.

“Thank you, and have a nice day.”

 
Mission accomplished.

How cold is it?

Penguin Shit
Credit: joyreactor.com

“Colder than a witch’s tit,
Colder than a bucket of penguin shit,
Colder than a hair on a polar bear’s ass
Colder than the frost on a champagne glass.”

— Thomas Pynchon
from Gravity’s Rainbow

“Have you see the Sasquatch yet?”

Sasquatch

 
“Not Yeti. But I did hear the Abdominal Snowman rumbling by.”

No trifling with trifle.

English trifle dessert
English trifle.

Let’s consider the word trifle.

As a noun it can be either “an English dessert made of layers of custard, fruit, and sponge cake” [1] or “a thing of little value or importance.” [2]

As a verb, trifle means, “treat (someone or something) without seriousness or respect.” [2]

Now I don’t know about you, but dessert is pretty darn important to me, so I will leave you with this admonishment:

Trifle is not to be trifled with.

Green olives may be trifled with.
You may, however, feel free to trifle with cream cheese and green olive sandwiches. But maybe that’s just me. [3]


[1] Wikipedia: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Trifle.

[2] Google: https://www.google.com/search.

[3] I really hate green olives.

Absurdity in the checkout lane.

You can liven up a trip to the store considerably – and create some mental images you may never be able to get out of your brain – if, as you walk through the store, you ask yourself:

What three things should never be on the checkout lane at the same time? *

plunger, bowling ball, vaseline
A bowling ball, a plunger, and Vaseline.
Wine, shotgun shells, and tampons
Wine, shotgun shells, and tampons.
 
Cornflakes, underwear, and mazola oil.
Cornflakes, underwear, and Mazola oil.

Let your creativity flow! Bonus points if you check out with #threethings and the clerk gives you a funny look.

* Note: Rubber gloves are always funny.