The phone rings. You blindly reach around until you find it, pick it up, and mumble, “Hello?”
“Oh, did I wake you up?” says the cheerful voice on the other end of the line. “I can call back later.”
“No, I’m fine,” you reply, while thinking:
“Yeah. Why don’t you call me back later so
you can wake me up again?”
To my companion, while trying to get to a bank on the other side of the street across a construction area:
“I wonder if we can get there from here?”
As soon as the words came out of my mouth, I had my answer. The bank had put up a sign on the corner of its lot that read:
“Yes, you can get here from there!”
Now that’s service!
The first time I heard the phrase, “You can’t polish a turd,” was in the movie
The turd in question was the star of the movie – a 1958 Plymouth Fury – that, at that point in the movie, looked suspiciously like one.
It’s one of those useful and evocative idioms that can actually be used in conversation. Well, some conversations.
I discovered the following video, and darned if it isn’t a couple of guys demonstrating how to polish poop.
My mind is reeling.
I’ve decided to go into denial, forget I saw the video, and blissfully continue saying, “You can’t polish a turd.”
I will try not to believe that any two people would have so little to do that they would try to prove that you
“A 7.1-magnitude earthquake struck Alaska early Sunday morning, according to the U.S. Geological Survey,” reported
CNN on Saturday.
To which I add:
“Reports indicate that Sarah Palin momentarily disappeared into a deep chasm in the earth’s surface, but was promptly spit out again.” *
Note: I don’t normally lapse into political commentary, but on my planet “Sarah Palin” and “absurd” are practically synonyms. You’re free to think differently on your planet.
I really resent it when salespeople ask me leading questions. I looked for a long time for a quick, but polite, way to disarm them.
I found it when I heard this tip from a sales workshop:
“If you can get a prospective customer to answer, ‘Yes,’ to any question you ask, you’re more likely to make the sale.
Annoying Salesperson: “Don’t you want to save money on your wireless service?”
Annoying Salesperson: “Don’t you want to pay less for your wireless service every month?”
(Obviously I didn’t understand the question the first time.)
Me: (In my most pleasant voice)
“No. I love my wireless provider. I consider the money I pay them every month to be a gift. I’d pay more if I could.
“Thank you, and have a nice day.”
“Not Yeti. But I did hear the Abdominal Snowman rumbling by.”
Let’s consider the word
As a noun it can be either “an English dessert made of layers of custard, fruit, and sponge cake”
 or “a thing of little value or importance.” 
As a verb, trifle means, “treat (someone or something) without seriousness or respect.”
Now I don’t know about you, but dessert is pretty darn important to me, so I will leave you with this admonishment:
Trifle is not to be trifled with.
You may, however, feel free to trifle with cream cheese and green olive sandwiches. But maybe that’s just me. 
 Wikipedia: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Trifle.
 Google: https://www.google.com/search.
 I really hate green olives.
You can liven up a trip to the store considerably – and create some mental images you may never be able to get out of your brain – if, as you walk through the store, you ask yourself:
What three things should never be on the checkout lane at the same time?
A bowling ball, a plunger, and Vaseline.
Wine, shotgun shells, and tampons.
Cornflakes, underwear, and Mazola oil.
Let your creativity flow! Bonus points if you check out with #threethings and the clerk gives you a funny look.
* Rubber gloves are always funny. Note:
The weather forecasters are calling for a chance of snow.
Just in case you’re not from around here, this is the southern equivalent to yelling, “Fire!” in a crowded movie theater.
If you haven’t already gone to the grocery store, there’s no point in going now. Hordes of panicked shoppers have already descended on the stores and emptied the shelves of all the basics: bread, milk, eggs, toilet paper, corn flakes, Mazola oil, rubber gloves.
You know who these people are, so if you need anything, you can always go borrow it from them.