Feeling a little mischievous?
The next time you’re at the grocery store and have both food and toilet paper in your cart, ask the checkout clerk…
“Is this the right amount of toilet paper for this amount of food?”
You can also use this when you’re buying cat food and kitty litter, with the appropriate change in language, of course.
If you’re lucky, you’ll have a grocery store clerk with a sense of humor.
Said after a coughing fit during a phone conversation:
“It’s kind of odd how you can strangle yourself on your own spit.
“You shouldn’t be able to do that.”
— Buffy Lyon
Hint: By dropping it into a cheap envelope – no padding, no cardboard. The key may or may not be in the envelope.
Result: Torn envelope delivered with an apology from the USPS. No key.
“You have a PC.” Spam guy:
“I have a Mac.” Me:
Me: “You’re an idiot.”
Spam guy: “Hello. I’m ‘Mark,’ and I’m calling from the Windows Technical Service office. We’ve detected a virus on your PC that is causing it to send multiple email addresses from your IP address. Are you at your computer?”
Spam guy: “Please click on the “Start” button.”
Me: I can’t.
Spam guy: “It’s in the lower left corner of your screen.”
Me: No, it’s not.
Spam guy: It’s very important that we diagnose this problem. What do you see on your screen?”
Me: “The Mac toolbar.”
Spam guy: “Excuse me?”
Me: “I don’t have a PC. I have a Mac.”
Spam guy: “You don’t have any PCs?”
Spam guy: “Let me transfer you to the Mac department.”
I have to get it to whoever thought this up. It combines the sleaziest aspects of both phone and computer spam “threats” to try to get you to give out confidential information that will give someone access to your computer.
Okay, I admit it; I watch the the TV series
Bates Motel on Netflix. How else will I find out why the Psycho Norman Bates stuffed his mother and killed “loose women”?
It’s not award-winning television, but I heard a combination of words in season three, episode four that just slayed me.
“Why should I take advice from two people who wouldn’t know their ass from a handbag if they had a head cold.”
Aside from the grammatical inconsistencies, would you take advice from two people who
know their asses from a handbag if they had head colds? would
Would you take advice from two people who would know their asses from a handbag is they
have head colds? didn’t
Why are head colds even relevant?
Perhaps people who give advice should be required to know the difference between their asses and a handbag whether they have head colds or not.
…and the server asks:
“Just the two of you?”
I never know what to say.
“Why? Are we supposed to have escorts?”
look like more than two people?”
“Yes. It’s just the two of us. We have no friends.”
Or, my personal favorite:
“No. A group of the undead will be joining us shortly.”
The phone rings. You blindly reach around until you find it, pick it up, and mumble, “Hello?”
“Oh, did I wake you up?” says the cheerful voice on the other end of the line. “I can call back later.”
“No, I’m fine,” you reply, while thinking:
“Yeah. Why don’t you call me back later so
you can wake me up again?”
To my companion, while trying to get to a bank on the other side of the street across a construction area:
“I wonder if we can get there from here?”
As soon as the words came out of my mouth, I had my answer. The bank had put up a sign on the corner of its lot that read:
“Yes, you can get here from there!”
Now that’s service!
The first time I heard the phrase, “You can’t polish a turd,” was in the movie
The turd in question was the star of the movie – a 1958 Plymouth Fury – that, at that point in the movie, looked suspiciously like one.
It’s one of those useful and evocative idioms that can actually be used in conversation. Well, some conversations.
I discovered the following video, and darned if it isn’t a couple of guys demonstrating how to polish poop.
My mind is reeling.
I’ve decided to go into denial, forget I saw the video, and blissfully continue saying, “You can’t polish a turd.”
I will try not to believe that any two people would have so little to do that they would try to prove that you
“A 7.1-magnitude earthquake struck Alaska early Sunday morning, according to the U.S. Geological Survey,” reported
CNN on Saturday.
To which I add:
“Reports indicate that Sarah Palin momentarily disappeared into a deep chasm in the earth’s surface, but was promptly spit out again.” *
Note: I don’t normally lapse into political commentary, but on my planet “Sarah Palin” and “absurd” are practically synonyms. You’re free to think differently on your planet.