What to do if you have bears in your yard.

Canadian BearSituation: You need to go to work, but there are bears in your yard.

Option 1: Shoot them.

Option 2: Call Wildlife Control.

Option 3: Ask them to leave.

Extra Credit: Thank them and wish them a good day.

Absurd phone-computer spam alert.

I'm a PC
Spam guy: “You have a PC.”
I'm a Mac
Me: “I have a Mac.”
You're an idiot.
Me: “You’re an idiot.”

Phone rings.

Me: “Hello?”
Spam guy: “Hello. I’m ‘Mark,’ and I’m calling from the Windows Technical Service office. We’ve detected a virus on your PC that is causing it to send multiple email addresses from your IP address. Are you at your computer?”

Me: “Yes.”
Spam guy: “Please click on the “Start” button.”

Me: I can’t.
Spam guy: “It’s in the lower left corner of your screen.”

Me: No, it’s not.
Spam guy: It’s very important that we diagnose this problem. What do you see on your screen?”

Me: “The Mac toolbar.”
Spam guy: “Excuse me?”

Me: “I don’t have a PC. I have a Mac.”
Spam guy: “You don’t have any PCs?”

Me: “Nope.”
Spam guy: “Let me transfer you to the Mac department.”

Click.

I have to get it to whoever thought this up. It combines the sleaziest aspects of both phone and computer spam “threats” to try to get you to give out confidential information that will give someone access to your computer.

#snowpocalypse

Snow PanicThe weather forecasters are calling for a chance of snow.

Just in case you’re not from around here, this is the southern equivalent to yelling, “Fire!” in a crowded movie theater.

If you haven’t already gone to the grocery store, there’s no point in going now. Hordes of panicked shoppers have already descended on the stores and emptied the shelves of all the basics: bread, milk, eggs, toilet paper, corn flakes, Mazola oil, rubber gloves.

You know who these people are, so if you need anything, you can always go borrow it from them.

An appropriate response to surreptitious surveillance.

Have you ever checked out at the grocery store and noticed that the clerk seemed to be paying undo attention to – or made too many comments about – your purchases?

Of course, you can be polite and pretend you don’t notice. Or you can ask the over-attentive clerk:

Toilet Paper
“Is this the right amount of toilet paper for this amount of food?”

Don’t ask a question you don’t want to know the answer to.

STOPYou’ll get one of two possible responses:

Either the answer you get will be a lie, or it will be the truth you don’t want to hear.

You’re going to get hurt either way. Don’t go there.

Don’t tell someone something they already know.

Bathroom Scale
Have some respect.

Do you really think the 400 pound person you’re talking to doesn’t already know they need to lose weight?