When I walk into a restaurant with a friend…

…and the server asks:

“Just the two of you?”

I never know what to say.

Options include:

The Walking Dead in Moonlight“Why? Are we supposed to have escorts?”

“Do we look like more than two people?”

“Yes. It’s just the two of us. We have no friends.”

Or, my personal favorite:

“No. A group of the undead will be joining us shortly.”

Did I wake you up?

when the phone wakes you upThe phone rings. You blindly reach around until you find it, pick it up, and mumble, “Hello?”

“Oh, did I wake you up?” says the cheerful voice on the other end of the line. “I can call back later.”

“No, I’m fine,” you reply, while thinking:

“Yeah. Why don’t you call me back later so you can wake me up again?”

A tip for getting rid of that annoying salesperson.

the sales cycleI really resent it when salespeople ask me leading questions. I looked for a long time for a quick, but polite, way to disarm them.

I found it when I heard this tip from a sales workshop:

“If you can get a prospective customer to answer, ‘Yes,’ to any question you ask, you’re more likely to make the sale.

Annoying Salesperson: “Don’t you want to save money on your wireless service?”

Me: “No.”

confused salespersonAnnoying Salesperson: “Don’t you want to pay less for your wireless service every month?”

(Obviously I didn’t understand the question the first time.)

Me: (In my most pleasant voice)
“No. I love my wireless provider. I consider the money I pay them every month to be a gift. I’d pay more if I could.

“Thank you, and have a nice day.”

Mission accomplished.

Have you seen the Sasquatch yet?”

Sasquatch
“Not Yeti. But I did hear the Abdominal Snowman rumbling by.”

“Why don’t they just shoot the bad guys?”

Gunfight

“Because then it would be a much shorter movie.”