When I walk into a restaurant with a friend…

…and the server asks:

“Just the two of you?”

I never know what to say.

Options include:

The Walking Dead in Moonlight“Why? Are we supposed to have escorts?”

“Do we look like more than two people?”

“Yes. It’s just the two of us. We have no friends.”

Or, my personal favorite:

“No. A group of the undead will be joining us shortly.”

“Did I wake you up?”

when the phone wakes you upThe phone rings. You blindly reach around until you find it, pick it up, and mumble, “Hello?”

“Oh, did I wake you up?” says the cheerful voice on the other end of the line. “I can call back later.”

“No, I’m fine,” you reply, while thinking:

“Yeah. Why don’t you call me back later so
you can wake me up again?”

When a bank reads minds.

exclamation markTo my companion, while trying to get to a bank on the other side of the street across a construction area:

“I wonder if we can get there from here?”

As soon as the words came out of my mouth, I had my answer. The bank had put up a sign on the corner of its lot that read:

“Yes, you can get here from there!”

 
Now that’s service!

A tip for getting rid of that annoying salesperson.

the sales cycleI really resent it when salespeople ask me leading questions. I looked for a long time for a quick, but polite, way to disarm them.

I found it when I heard this tip from a sales workshop:

“If you can get a prospective customer to answer, ‘Yes,’ to any question you ask, you’re more likely to make the sale.

Annoying Salesperson: “Don’t you want to save money on your wireless service?”

Me: “No.”

confused salespersonAnnoying Salesperson: “Don’t you want to pay less for your wireless service every month?”

(Obviously I didn’t understand the question the first time.)

Me: (In my most pleasant voice)
“No. I love my wireless provider. I consider the money I pay them every month to be a gift. I’d pay more if I could.

“Thank you, and have a nice day.”

 
Mission accomplished.

“Have you seen the Sasquatch yet?”

Sasquatch
 

“Not Yeti. But I did hear the Abdominal Snowman rumbling by.”

How to respond when your restaurant server asks you something absurd.

Restaurant Server

Sometimes when a server delivers the food to your table, he asks a question that makes you wonder if you’re supposed to eat the food after that.

I can deal well with, “Is there anything else I can get you?” or even “Does everything look okay?”

The one that finally got to me was:

“Did everything come out okay?”

I turned around to look over my shoulder, turned back, looked the server in the eye, and replied:

“I don’t know; it hasn’t come out yet.”

“Why don’t they just shoot the bad guys?”

Gunfight

“Because then it would be a much shorter movie.”