Need a paddle?

If you’re up Shit Creek without a paddle,
I hope you’re near one of these:

Shit Creek Paddle Store

Shit Creek Paddle Stores

Who knew?

On asses, handbags, and head colds.

Okay, I admit it; I watch the the TV series Bates Motel on Netflix. How else will I find out why the Psycho Norman Bates stuffed his mother and killed “loose women”?

It’s not award-winning television, but I heard a combination of words in season three, episode four that just slayed me.

“Why should I take advice from two people who wouldn’t know their ass from a handbag if they had a head cold.”

the difference between an ass and a handbagINSTRUCTIONAL AID

Aside from the grammatical inconsistencies, would you take advice from two people who would know their asses from a handbag if they had head colds?

Would you take advice from two people who would know their asses from a handbag is they didn’t have head colds?

Why are head colds even relevant?

Perhaps people who give advice should be required to know the difference between their asses and a handbag whether they have head colds or not.

You can’t polish a turd. Or can you?

Yes, you can. Credit: photobucket.com.

The first time I heard the phrase, “You can’t polish a turd,” was in the movie Christine.

The turd in question was the star of the movie – a 1958 Plymouth Fury – that, at that point in the movie, looked suspiciously like one.

It’s one of those useful and evocative idioms that can actually be used in conversation. Well, some conversations.

I discovered the following video, and darned if it isn’t a couple of guys demonstrating how to polish poop.

My mind is reeling.

I’ve decided to go into denial, forget I saw the video, and blissfully continue saying, “You can’t polish a turd.”

I will try not to believe that any two people would have so little to do that they would try to prove that you can.

How cold is it?

Penguin Shit
Credit: joyreactor.com

“Colder than a witch’s tit,
Colder than a bucket of penguin shit,
Colder than a hair on a polar bear’s ass
Colder than the frost on a champagne glass.”

— Thomas Pynchon
from Gravity’s Rainbow

An idiom both eloquent and evocative.

You don’t have to wait long for someone to say, “Ew, gross!” when something is, well, gross.

That phrase is pedestrian in the extreme. You get the message, but there isn’t anything original or evocative about it.

The next time you see something, gross, try saying,

Vulture
 
“That’s gross enough to puke a buzzard off a gut wagon.”

It’s not just eloquent and evocative, but your friends will appreciate the mental image you just planted in their brains.

Or not.

The best description of a useless thing ever.

No Shit

“________ ain’t worth shit in a handbag.”

If you can think of anything more worthless, with as evocative a mental picture as that idiom, please share using the Submit Your Own form!

In what situation could you say…

Kitten and Biscuits
 
“If a cat had kittens in the oven, you wouldn’t call’em biscuits, would ya?”